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Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Hi Bloggers!

I dont even know what prompted me to start this blog to be quite frank; I dont know if its loneliness, mere desperation or a sad medley of both. Whatever it is that has lead me here is giving me a voice; one that i really need right now. I am in place in my life where i feel the weakest, the most vulnerable, the most defragmented and dissected. I feel like I am inside a kaleidoscope that is in black and white. I am 26 married, a professional without a profession, an individual that has gotten lost amongst herself. Have you ever felt that way? like you are completely powerless and alone, even if you know deep in your heart that life is still filled with so much to see and do and LIVE?

Dont get me wrong, Im not suicidal...Im just in a rut, sad- EVERYTHING that I have never been, I AM. I am becoming this new version of me that I dont like very much to be honest.

I have always been the black sheep in my family, but in a great way. I have always been the silly, happy go-lucky person that sees the glass half full, colors hidden everywhere, a wold filled with endless possibilities, fairytales, and love stories. I have had to fight against myself on many occasions, to avoid falling into the genetic pool of depressed souls in my family. I always dreamt that my own life would be this fantastic story of passion, communion, adventure, sympathy, sinful joys, smiles, travel and simplistic pleasures....

I dont want to look back on my life and regret it, I dont want to be filled with cliched what ifs. I am ONLY 26 and stagnant. How do I tell my husband how I am feeling without him feeling like its his fault?

I had so many dreams, so many hopes, so many little things that I had hoped to fulfill by this time in my life...I thought that I would have a chance to fulfill those bits and pieces of my dreams with him. Dont get me wrong, my husband is this ball of fire and passion that stops at nothing to achieve his goals. He knows what he wants and nothing deters him from that. I, on the other hand, wish a little bit of him rubs off on me; I dont seem to want anything that badly right now. I need FOCUS!

I heard once that we are each as happy as we choose to be, if that is true, am I really choosing to be unhappy?! I am all about making memories, moments...experiencing new things and seeing the world. I have a sense of presence that goes beyond the right now. I want to see as much as I can in my life and have these wonderful stories to tell when im i wonder if all im going to be able to talk about is how i have been doing nothing with my life and the only stories i will have are those from college-thats it! i cant be satisfied with that.

Were am I? What am I? I feel like this dragonfly caught in the mud, wings lush with colors ready to glisten in sun and yet they are too wet, too heavy to function. I will surely die stuck in this mud, I will become a hollow carcass of my former self recognizable only by my impression in the mud.