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Saturday, February 9, 2013

It's been a while

I don't know if anyone actually reads my posts, but I write anyway. It's been a while since I have had the words, motivation and energy to write. My life is completely different now. I moved to a carribean island with my husband and son, started an entirely new, unexpected carreer, and have been confronted with situations I never thought I would face. I am standing.
Change is downright frightening (even good change) but, it is also essential for growth. In the last 8 months, I have lost 25lbs, I have become a college professor and I have established a real relationship with myself and God. A relationship based on honesty and reality. For those that know me well, know that I have a tendency to be a little (a lot) imaginative and disconnected from reality quite often.
Living in a new country, the country that birthed my parents, has been an adventure of self-discovery; I have discovered my real strenght, my real-self and courage. The physical came about as a result of my priorities taking their correct places in my life, I became first. That may sound twisted for many with children, because usually they are first. But, I have learned that that is a false sense of reality. We can't truly love anyone, if we do not kow how to love ourselves first. So, i got up, shacked it off and did something about it.
My marriage has been challenged. For the past 7 years of my relationship, i have consistently made it first and put aside personal dreams, goals and expectations. I thought that's what you did in a marriage. Came to realize (the hard way) that that is the last thing you do in a marriage. My husband needed encouragement and support with his career, and I did just that. However, in the process, I put myself aside and on-hold. He never asked that of me, but I felt that I had to do it. Today, I am angry at myself and for a while blammed him for it. The more I analyse it, the more I realize that I didn´t do any of it, because I am an awesome, selfless and devoted wife. I did it, because I was a chicken-shit looking for any excuse in the book to put myself on-hold. It was just too scary to get up and do something, and everyday that passed made it even scarier.
The first 2 months I was here, I cried a lot. I was alone (no friends or family), without a car, a job or money. I was given a dose of reality, i was not ready to take. But, I am thankful that I decided to leap and take on this adventure. I found myself. I cried out all of my fear. I leaped and I am here.